This is just a thanksgiving note to all my special ones. Forgive me if it’s too formal but I can’t help myself saying this. I extend my sincere love and gratitude to all those beloved ones who proved once again that you guys will be there with me through thick and thin. I am so happy to realise the fact that there are real people out there who cares for me apart from my family. So I would say “Feel happy when in trouble, they let you explore the caring minds” and yes I did. I was overwhelmed by the love and care you guys were showering upon me. There were so many unexpected calls and texts that made sure I was getting better. Thank you sweethearts for all those care and love. That was the catalyst that helped me through the healing process. If not for that tender love and care I would still be in my bed or maybe still hoping around ;). Though many were miles away the way you cared made me feel you were right next to me. Though not totally healed but stairs are the only ones that threaten me and the pain has come down a million times. So it’s proven once again, there are no accidents and everything in life happens for a reason.
It’s not every day that one turns 30 and when that happens do it with pleasure. Age gracefully rather than feeling desperate you are aging. When I turn back and look myself I feel gracious on what I am. I feel myself privileged to age because as years pass I find myself drawn towards my inner self satisfying ‘the me’. You may think I am being self-centered. Maybe I am but I think it’s better to be so than living your whole life regretting on what could be done or what-if I decided otherwise. I am one among those few who think being single despite turning 30 is a blessing while my counterparts are busy thinking what to cook for breakfast next day. I am a freewheeling soul and still aim to empty my bucket list though it keeps piling up. To all those who worry about aging, keep smiling and embrace life. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry give life a 1000 more reasons to smile. Stay strong and live as if world ends now. And so that’s how I wish myself a very happy birthday. Many more years to come and many more journeys to be savoured.
PS . Miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep.
To all men who question what is it being a girl
Listen carefully man, it’s simply because I was born a girl.
From the day I was born my mother took extra care to cover me up just because I was born a girl and the evil eyes should never get an evil thought.
As I grew up people insisted to look down and walk just because I was born a girl
When puberty visited it took a roller coaster and I was in a world of restrictions and irritations.
I felt my body change which also brought along a load of fear and I could feel evil eyes on me and could see evil thoughts in them.
And one fine day I felt cramping on my abdomen which crushed me to the ground and I started bleeding. Yes, I also had the same thought as every other girl would have. What next?
And it continued to hit me with pain every month. It took me years to figure out why my emotions keep playing before the red days strike.
Yes, man you may comment anything about controlling emotions or it’s normal for a girl. Yes, you said it and that is what which makes us so special. Every 28 days we bleed for 5 days with excruciating pain and we still make for work with no complaints and with no extra rest. And some times the pain brings visitors also like vomiting, fainting and what not. And you ask what’s so special about being a girl? Dare you to try the emotional play at least once in your lifetime. Experience the depression, the helplessness, the anger and even the suicidal thoughts at least for once. And surviving that makes us special.
And how about being a mother? Can you imagine your body change for another life? Yes changes we undergo for long 9 months, our belly expands, our spine changes shape and again the hormonal game. And how can I ask you not to think about the pregnancy hormone effect; the puke called morning sickness that continues throughout the day for as long as it wish, the craving, the exhaustion. Oh! How I wish the technology be so advanced that I could inject those pregnancy hormones on your body just for you to feel it once and for all.
And we suffer the pain to give another life and you say women are strong enough for that or it’s natural. Yes, you said it and that is what which makes us special. Because you can never tear yourself apart for any reason. And do think the work is over and soon we can join work? So how about the sleepless nights and tiresome days spent to sustain the new life while you enjoy your sound sleep? And your only concern is the number of leaves we enjoy being a mother. Think for yourself man, will you be able to imagine the half of what we undergo. Respect the fact that being born a girl is never an easy task and never degrade yourself to the point of questioning the privileges we enjoy (in your words). It’s not that simple being a girl, it’s simply because I was born a girl.
I was overjoyed with all the somersaults my heart did when I met you. But I could see the melancholy that is yet to follow. It was all love that dominated us. But never did I think that love can turn everything upside down. A small mistake in love or the deepest intimacy can topple everything upside down. I always wanted to have a baby and I could feel the excitement within on the mere thought of being a mother. But this time the story was different. I could sense changes in my body, I could feel the hormones act awkward but it was all love to be blamed. I could sense a life inside me and I was in a dilemma whether to be excited about being a mother (a feeling I always wanted to experience with joy) or to cry my heart out. But I knew the excitement won’t have a longer life as there were people involved. I showed him the two pink lines and tears started streaming down my cheeks. And for the first time since we met words paved way for silence. We both knew what is to be done but didn’t dare to utter a word. After an hour of silence he started to convince me of the only possibility left. I held myself together, clinging my belly, in a vain attempt to protect my baby. My brain clearly knew what is going to follow. Again and again I googled to know how my baby will look like and I mourned like I have never done. I know from the moment I decided to hurt my baby it’s my lifetime peace that I compromised on. But I was helpless as there were many people involved and if I decide otherwise there will be imbalance in many lives. And yes, finally I made myself numb so that I could proceed with maintaining everybody else’s peace and forfeit my peace forever. One thing my love, when you denied me my motherhood I was giving you the chance to enjoy your fatherhood. Now, every time I look at your baby or get to hold her or when she cuddles me, I get reminded, the bundle of joy in your hand is the life you tore apart from me. My baby, not a single day passes by without your thought. Forgive me my child for taking birth in this unlucky mother’s womb and I promise if given a second chance to be a mother I want you to be my child and I will never let anything or anybody hurt you.
P.S. Being a nurse moreover a dedicated friend I am obliged to listen to many stories and this one shattered me.
Hmmm…. Seems like I should pay more attention to my blog….
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 300 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.
There I lie in the graveyard
All Covered up in cold mud
Where I utter no word in response
Where you think I lie peacefully
Where it’s all numb and dark
Yes, you know I am scared of the dark
Yet I lie therein fear…
There I lie in the graveyard
All covered up in cold mud
Oh! Sweetheart, how I wish I had heard you say I love you when I was alive
Oh! Sweetheart, how I wish you had given those roses when I was alive
Oh! Sweetheart, how I wish you had kissed my forehead when I was alive
Oh! Sweetheart, how I wish you had missed me when I was alive
There I lie in the graveyard
All Covered up in cold mud
I see faces that I never got to see while alive
I witness tears which never broke out when mine did
I hear praises which I never heard when I desperately needed
I feel hugs which I never got when I was in need of
Oh! There I lie peacefully in the graveyard
All Covered up in mud and dirt…
It was the time when I was totally addicted to X-men, Harry Potter, Avengers, Twilight Saga and such superhero series’. And these characters even made to my dream running me crazy for them. One day my friend asked me to accompany her to the church and I said yes. Even though being a Sunday we had our morning shift which was so tiresome. But as I promised her this the week before we both got to the church. I was too tired to concentrate on what is being preached and my mind began to wander around the superheros. I remember hearing a story preached by the father in the church. The story goes like this. Jesus was walking in the crowd and a woman with some bleeding disorder touched him and she was cured. Suddenly Jesus stops himself and asks to the crowd who has touched him. He gets a reply as follows : “There are so many people gathered around here Lord and how can you tell somebody touched you specifically.” He again goes in search of the person who touched him and finally the woman who was afraid of being cursed thinking that what she did was a crime confesses before the crowd. The story kept running in my mind along with my superheroes for the rest of the mass. And I kept wondering whether Jesus was also one among my superheroes with super talents, the talent being none other than the capability to transfer his positive energy to others by gathering their negative energy. Is He another mutant of that time where no one recognized mutants as they do now? The fate is also the same as of the others. Being punished, crucified or the worse humiliated and killed. Our new generation mutants and superheroes fight for their cause but Jesus being the ultimate of positive energy sacrificed himself for others negative energy to be vanished along with him. The same can be applied to others too like Lord Rama, Allah or Lord Krishna. Ultimately they all possessed some super powers like my superheroes in one way or the other and I still keep wondering were they also mutants?
PS: This doesn’t mean any offense to any religion or any belief.
And again the dark falls…..
And there I land in my pillow with tears in my eyes
For which the reason I never knew
May be the never ending lovely days were not to come back
May be the life has become so stubborn over me
May be the people who kept me happy never exist any more
And again I close my eyes and again I drown into another dream…..
A gentle breeze that embraced me
Took my thoughts to my good old violin
It was my good old friend
My greatest asset once
When I was in deep sorrow
Those strings were my comfort
When I was on heights of happiness
I shared it with my violin
A day without its melody
Seemed to be gloomy
A word without my violin
Seemed to be empty
New faces filled my life
I started ignoring my sweet violin
Pretended not to notice its presence
Slowly a space started growing
In between our inseparable relation
But it was quite late
When I recognized
The truth of life
Which was so bitter to taste
New faces started fading
And again I was alone
With my broken pieces of heart
With sorrows as my companion
I searched for my violin
My sweet old friend
But couldn’t find my violin
And at last in the attic of my home
I saw my violin lie
With dust smothering over
I tried dusting up my violin
To make it sing again
But with tears I saw
The Broken Strings of My Violin