Every time I listen to a broken heart it’s like my heart is being squeezed out from it’s place. Yes, it’s hard to gift your heart to someone and get it back all tampered with. Always remember one thing, love is one of the sharpest weapons known to exist but until broken, love is the sweetest emotion too. People may say time heals, but believe me it does not. It’s just that you get used to the pain. It’s another way of adapting to the emptiness the person has left behind and that emptiness can never be filled by anyone. It really is tough to get through but take it light, let yourself walk through. In life there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. Maybe not today but someday for sure you will come to know the answers. Letting your love walk away takes a great deal more than holding on. So don’t worry you were strong enough to do that you will be strong enough to face anything else in life. When you are in melancholy think of the day you let your love walk away from you. That pain will give you strength to move on in life and help you face any problem. So if you have a broken heart stitch it together with all the love that was given to you and with a smile keep moving. Let the memories become your strength than weakness. Keep smiling. It’s just a matter of a moment. It will soon pass.
It’s not every day that one turns 30 and when that happens do it with pleasure. Age gracefully rather than feeling desperate you are aging. When I turn back and look myself I feel gracious on what I am. I feel myself privileged to age because as years pass I find myself drawn towards my inner self satisfying ‘the me’. You may think I am being self-centered. Maybe I am but I think it’s better to be so than living your whole life regretting on what could be done or what-if I decided otherwise. I am one among those few who think being single despite turning 30 is a blessing while my counterparts are busy thinking what to cook for breakfast next day. I am a freewheeling soul and still aim to empty my bucket list though it keeps piling up. To all those who worry about aging, keep smiling and embrace life. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry give life a 1000 more reasons to smile. Stay strong and live as if world ends now. And so that’s how I wish myself a very happy birthday. Many more years to come and many more journeys to be savoured.
PS . Miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep.
To all men who question what is it being a girl
Listen carefully man, it’s simply because I was born a girl.
From the day I was born my mother took extra care to cover me up just because I was born a girl and the evil eyes should never get an evil thought.
As I grew up people insisted to look down and walk just because I was born a girl
When puberty visited it took a roller coaster and I was in a world of restrictions and irritations.
I felt my body change which also brought along a load of fear and I could feel evil eyes on me and could see evil thoughts in them.
And one fine day I felt cramping on my abdomen which crushed me to the ground and I started bleeding. Yes, I also had the same thought as every other girl would have. What next?
And it continued to hit me with pain every month. It took me years to figure out why my emotions keep playing before the red days strike.
Yes, man you may comment anything about controlling emotions or it’s normal for a girl. Yes, you said it and that is what which makes us so special. Every 28 days we bleed for 5 days with excruciating pain and we still make for work with no complaints and with no extra rest. And some times the pain brings visitors also like vomiting, fainting and what not. And you ask what’s so special about being a girl? Dare you to try the emotional play at least once in your lifetime. Experience the depression, the helplessness, the anger and even the suicidal thoughts at least for once. And surviving that makes us special.
And how about being a mother? Can you imagine your body change for another life? Yes changes we undergo for long 9 months, our belly expands, our spine changes shape and again the hormonal game. And how can I ask you not to think about the pregnancy hormone effect; the puke called morning sickness that continues throughout the day for as long as it wish, the craving, the exhaustion. Oh! How I wish the technology be so advanced that I could inject those pregnancy hormones on your body just for you to feel it once and for all.
And we suffer the pain to give another life and you say women are strong enough for that or it’s natural. Yes, you said it and that is what which makes us special. Because you can never tear yourself apart for any reason. And do think the work is over and soon we can join work? So how about the sleepless nights and tiresome days spent to sustain the new life while you enjoy your sound sleep? And your only concern is the number of leaves we enjoy being a mother. Think for yourself man, will you be able to imagine the half of what we undergo. Respect the fact that being born a girl is never an easy task and never degrade yourself to the point of questioning the privileges we enjoy (in your words). It’s not that simple being a girl, it’s simply because I was born a girl.
I was overjoyed with all the somersaults my heart did when I met you. But I could see the melancholy that is yet to follow. It was all love that dominated us. But never did I think that love can turn everything upside down. A small mistake in love or the deepest intimacy can topple everything upside down. I always wanted to have a baby and I could feel the excitement within on the mere thought of being a mother. But this time the story was different. I could sense changes in my body, I could feel the hormones act awkward but it was all love to be blamed. I could sense a life inside me and I was in a dilemma whether to be excited about being a mother (a feeling I always wanted to experience with joy) or to cry my heart out. But I knew the excitement won’t have a longer life as there were people involved. I showed him the two pink lines and tears started streaming down my cheeks. And for the first time since we met words paved way for silence. We both knew what is to be done but didn’t dare to utter a word. After an hour of silence he started to convince me of the only possibility left. I held myself together, clinging my belly, in a vain attempt to protect my baby. My brain clearly knew what is going to follow. Again and again I googled to know how my baby will look like and I mourned like I have never done. I know from the moment I decided to hurt my baby it’s my lifetime peace that I compromised on. But I was helpless as there were many people involved and if I decide otherwise there will be imbalance in many lives. And yes, finally I made myself numb so that I could proceed with maintaining everybody else’s peace and forfeit my peace forever. One thing my love, when you denied me my motherhood I was giving you the chance to enjoy your fatherhood. Now, every time I look at your baby or get to hold her or when she cuddles me, I get reminded, the bundle of joy in your hand is the life you tore apart from me. My baby, not a single day passes by without your thought. Forgive me my child for taking birth in this unlucky mother’s womb and I promise if given a second chance to be a mother I want you to be me child and I will never let anything or anybody hurt you.
P.S. Being a nurse moreover a dedicated friend I am obliged to listen to many stories and this one shattered me.
A gentle breeze that embraced me
Took my thoughts to my good old violin
It was my good old friend
My greatest asset once
When I was in deep sorrow
Those strings were my comfort
When I was on heights of happiness
I shared it with my violin
A day without its melody
Seemed to be gloomy
A word without my violin
Seemed to be empty
New faces filled my life
I started ignoring my sweet violin
Pretended not to notice its presence
Slowly a space started growing
In between our inseparable relation
But it was quite late
When I recognized
The truth of life
Which was so bitter to taste
New faces started fading
And again I was alone
With my broken pieces of heart
With sorrows as my companion
I searched for my violin
My sweet old friend
But couldn’t find my violin
And at last in the attic of my home
I saw my violin lie
With dust smothering over
I tried dusting up my violin
To make it sing again
But with tears I saw
The Broken Strings of My Violin
It was a very tough day and such situations make me realize being a nurse is the toughest job. I may rephrase, being a nurse is the toughest but being a pediatric nurse is more tougher. Handling death is not anything new to us but there are times when we see the baby for many days, get attached with them like our own baby and seeing them struggle between life and death and finally losing the battle to death. Today was such a day. Yes, my sweetheart you knew how much we cared for you, how much we loved you. We all were literally like your mother. We have sacrificed our sleep just to make sure you received the best care, many a times you did pee on us, did definitely puke on us, we cuddled you tight just because we knew that is what you wanted to comfort you. Yes I was teared apart seeing you in such a pathetic situation today and I knew you won’t make through this day. Oh! Sweetheart, we all will miss you so much, those comforting hugs, your cute face, your mother’s anxious face. How much we prayed for you to revive, how hard we struggled to get you back to life. Maybe that is what the Lord Almighty wanted. Though your life on this Earth were very limited you managed to touch each and every person who took care of you and with a heavy heart we part you good bye. May your soul rest in peace my baby. I salute all nurses who fight back their tears when you surrender to death just because they cared a lot for you.
While I was driving, I saw a Royal Enfield in front of me and the old thoughts struck me hard. It is so funny a life if we turn back and take a look. I was laughing on those immature ideas and thoughts I had of life which I could remember only with a smile. Though silly now, those thoughts and ideas made me the present me for which I will always be grateful. There was a time when I wanted to marry a childhood friend of mine just because we shared the same birthdate. As I grew up little more and started driving a bicycle, I was mesmerised by the charm of Royal Enfield and I wanted to marry a person who owns one. Then it was the era of WWF and six packs were another criteria. The list went on and on. But when reality struck I still remember giving off my heart to someone whom I could never relate to, even in my wildest dreams, just to get it back shattered. Now if you ask me, it is not the same birthdate or a Royal Enfield or a six pack for which I may say yes. Though I have developed an aversion towards marriage, it’s always a heart which can see into mine I would prefer. It’s funny if you take a look into the old you. Yes, the more the number of people you meet, the more the stronger you become. The more the number of days you live, the more wiser you become. Though life has changed, given a chance, I would re-live every single moment of my day and make the same mistakes I have done just to turn up into the ‘present me’ more stronger and more happier. 🙂 🙂 🙂
It was another fine morning and as usual I was rushing to matron office to sign before it becomes crowded. On the way I saw a pair of eyes staring at me and I didn’t dare to take a second look as I was scared of his/her appearance. I still don’t know how exactly to call. Yes, he was a trans-gender.As per my experience and the stories which I have heard about them, I didn’t want to interact. Yes, being a transgender is considered a taabu in most parts of the world and are normally thrown out from the family.
Once I completed my formalities, I was slowly walking to the parking lot as I had time on hand. I was expecting the same doubtfilled eyes to stare at me. And as I expected he was standing right in front of me. As our gaze met he came forward with a piece of paper on hand. I could feel same awkwardness which I was having in me on him too. He was dressed in a red shade saree worn high than normal length with more than half of his belly exposed and a very rough sound to add on. With all my guts I hid the feelings running inside me and managed to curl my lips to a smile. Fear, agony, getting ignored, so much mixed emotions I could read out from his eyes. I just looked into his paper and guided him to the X ray room. He held his hands together in front of me and thanked me deeply. I just smiled and while walking back I was held up in my thoughts. Maybe ignorance was the only thing he got from everyone, maybe that’s why he was resisting at first. Maybe he sensed a slight compassion in my eyes, maybe because I know what exactly being ignored means. Being a nurse, I was taught to treat everyone equally moreover I was taught to respect every single life on earth by my parents. I silently thanked the Almighty for blessing me with such good people around me to guide my life as I carried on with my work.
Yes, at times I am two faced. I wish to get married at times but deep in my mind I love my sphinsterhood. The deep rooted fears of leaving my family and taking up the responsibilities gives me a heartache. The non questioning freedom which I enjoy now defines “the me” and compromising it will be like getting myself compromised. If I ever overcome my fear, I wish to be a housewife but at times my deep rooted thoughts support being a working wife. My work is my identity and my family is my life. There is no life without identity and there is no identity without life. My maternal instincts push me to bear a child but my inner fears say no to marriage. Yes, whenever I hold a baby I feel my motherhood being touched. But the thought of giving up everything I love and leading a life in somebody else’s wish is a nightmare for me. I would suggest all the people around who are in search of your life partner, never to go for physical appearance and beauty but rather ask for their preferences. Whether they prefer coffee over tea, whether they sleep with fans turned off or whether they cannot sleep without the sound of it, whether they love books or is it just the opposite, their food habits, whether they cannot tolerate the smell of cigar, whether it’s okay with drinking, is it a modern outfit they prefer or a traditional one, whether they are overly conscious on cleanliness or is it okay anyways. I bet such minute details will help to build a better understanding than going behind physical appearance and looks. Your looks may fade but your habits never.
People call me lucky and yes me too consider myself lucky but have you ever thought what luck is all about. If you ask me I will say it’s nothing but walking side by side with God or else walking your dreams. I remember from the very childhood I was lucky, all the odds were in my favor but there were times when luck was not on my side. I clearly remember those days when I was not me, I was being someone else just to please those who were never meant to be in my life. Yes, the troublesome 4 years; when I was living in my past. Whatever I did whatever I touched everything turned to be a disaster. It took me some time to realize I was moving in the wrong track. Luck again started favoring me once I made up my mind and started rowing with the wind. So that is all luck is all about. Moving with the wind. Stop sticking to your past or to things which are not meant to be yours. People cross your life to serve their purpose and they leave once it is done. Bad things do happen to good people just to make them more strong. Move on or else you will always sit wondering why luck is not in your favor. 🙂